i just checked myself on the scale – i’m 149 lbs

meaning i’ve gained at least 15 lbs within the last 6 months or so. i really think it’s because i don’t work at dominos as much. i am always on my feet there – always active. unlike fedex, where i’m sitting in a chair for hours at times.

for this reason and also because i worry myself and feeling like a unproductive piece of shit sucks, i’m gonna seriously cut out alcohol. i’m hoping i cut it out for a whole month – no drinking till i’m visiting in NY. i’m worried because i usually crave a binge session every week. i really need control of myself. i think i’ve been eating a lot too.. like eating my feelings and eating when im not even hungry. i eat just because food tastes good. i blame the lack of social life for that.

maybe i should replace this negative coping with exercising.. i really want to be in shape, and fit. i’m not someone who’s ever cared but i really want to just take care of myself lately. if i don’t lose the lbs, i want to at least turn it into muscle. a gym membership would be a good idea honestly.. not sure if i want to spend the money yet though.. tbh i really would prefer excercise by swimming endless laps lol. people were suggesting a YMCA, i’m thinking about it. i also would rather jog or walk a hiking trail than jog endlessly in place on a threadmill. but lifting weights would be fun. almost like package handling again except i don’t have to fuck with what i know i can’t handle haha

i actually didn’t fucking eat fast food today so thats a plus. i made myself steak, veggies and macaroni salad. ftw haha. fast food is just so much easier than cooking most days though…

yesterday was my birthday and i spent it completely alone, but i went on a hiking trail and then the beach waterpark 🙂 my dad got me a card about a week ago but he didn’t call yesterday. oh well.

i love loving myself. better than anyone ever fucking has, ever. and ever could.

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Post hangover/stoned revelation blog

I was thinking about relationships just now. I don’t think I will get back with anyone unless someone actually shows they love me more than I could love myself. I’ve made that way too easy. I really just want to take care of myself. 

Being on my own out here really taught me that I have to love myself. 

My life has changed drastically in my mind since i started CBD oil. I don’t want to give it at all the credit. But when I got that vape pen, it helped me stop smoking cigarettes and I’m so glad. It’s so weird to be attached to something that seriously does not benefit you and doesn’t even make you feel good.

I’m spending so many days alone, i don’t communicate with a lot of people regularly at all. If I don’t work at dominos even, no one would know if I woke up dead. Last night I wouldn’t have known either. I was just imagining what if I had vomitted in my sleep and choked. I don’t know how long it would take till somebody found out. Candy is the only one out here who I know would go and check on me.

She actually really did have an employee that didn’t show up for work and it turns out he was dead for days. 

I can never leave my cats behind. 

Belinda said that her and nick are still looking for a place. I told them I wasn’t expecting anything till at least next year and that if they ever wind up changing their minds to let me know. That way it gives me the go to plan for something else. I really trust Belinda to be honest with me.  

I’m getting distracted now lol

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It’s pretty awesome when i pass out drunk on my couch and don’t remember falling asleep …

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I can’t stop listening to This Wild Life

Literally all their songs are grieving and about loss and it’s depressing as fuck but I can’t stop!!!!! Why do I love it? Guilty pleasure much, holy shit. 

Man I could stare at the wall for hours

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I had a great time in Columbus this past weekend. Smile Empty Soul was awkward at first, it was just not pop punk like a lot of shows I go to 😂 everyone was drunk as shit. I caught a shuttle ride there and then an uber back. I don’t remember getting back honestly lol I woke up and I had knocked shit off the tv stand, and I had my weed and grav bong in the tub in the bathroom. and I magically had a smile Empty Soul koozie, hat, and a poster. That was pretty sweet lol. I got some strong ass long islands that fucked me up. I was pretty relieved I didn’t forget or lose my cards anywhere.

I woke up around 7:30ish, probably slept again for another hour and a half somewhere in between before I finally got out of bed at like 3 or 4. I was hungover as fuck and had to recover. Then I spent the rest of the time exploring before Sorority Noise. I went to Battelle riverfront park and walked up it and winded up walking to Goodale park where Columbus pride fest usually is every year. It really wasn’t too eventful but it was nice to walk around. I went back to my room and showered and caught an uber to the show. I was pretty bored before Sorority Noise came on. I couldn’t even drink. It was just painful to. Kinda didn’t know how else to occupy myself though. When that mat guy was done, I went to the small ass pit and somehow made my way all the way up front through the set. It was wild and awesome. Sorority Noise are phenomenal live.

After the show I just walked back to the hotel since I wasn’t too drunk to navigate with my phone. Only a 20 minute walk.

Then ya know, woke up and drove back to Middletown.

I like having money to treat myself to do things like this. It’s so nice for real.

I actually put in time off for a legit vacation.

I really gotta go to NY for a number of reasons. I’m hoping to be out there for 17 days. Hoping. Because I’m driving alone. I still need to figure out who’s going to check on my cats for me. 

I really wish I could just live back in NY all while sustaining my wonderful income, awesome beneficial jobs I have.

If only I could have everything.

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I am the strongest I have ever mentally been in my entire life.

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I decided to spend this weekend in Columbus totally last minute.

Last weekend was so much fun: Masked Intruder, Flint Eastwood, Bayside, and making new friends.

This weekend its Smile Empty Soul and Sorority Noise. Going to be totally emo hah, not to mention its Mother’s Day Sunday. 

Not coming back to Middletown till Monday. I plan on drinking both nights and either walking or catching a uber but probably walking while in Columbus. 

I love that I can just get the fuck away. and get lost. 

Who knows what kind of adventures I’ll have. If I remain alone all weekend, at least I was with myself.

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