I hate that every future local concert I go to , I have to be careful that I don’t run into her.

I know she wants to fight me. 

If that ever somehow happens, I hope it’s very public.

She has made going to concerts unsafe for me. Knowing that is kinda fucking scary considering how much I thrive on them. It’s like she thrives off drama and belittling/degrading someone or something 

I really want her to forget the bane of my existence. I regret ever knowing her. She was never a positive person but I met her at a very insecure time of my life and I was desperate. 

That literally sums up everything else I’ve put myself through, pretty much my entire life.

I only hate myself a little bit. But I know now that hating myself like I’ve always done for everything is not going to make my life better. I’m going to treat myself the way I always treated everyone else. 

Thank god for this girl 

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drinking coffee at 8:30pm

i actually want to drink alcohol but decided that’s not a good idea.

i actually actualllyyy want to do some shopping but shopping is much preferred at night due to A LOT LESS people.

i just need dryer sheets and food to cook and also now bird food because i think there was just recently like 20 fucking sparrows no joke eating the bird food i left out ages ago LOL. sometimes squirrels, doves and cardinals come around too. i love little creatures. they entertain my cats too. or piss them off, idk lol

i loaned my brother jesse $150 about 2 weeks ago. he said he needed help and he told me all he would use the money for. he originally asked for $180 because he also wanted cigarettes. ha. ha. ha. clearly i wasn’t supporting that habit but he said he would pay me back the 21st and he hasn’t even contacted me. i told him i wasn’t lending anymore unless he paid the $150 back first. i think that’s fair.

if he never pays back, i don’t really care, it was only $150 but i wont help him anymore and he can’t say that i never did help him so yeah.
at least it wasn’t something like $1264 LOL i could smack myself in the head for that bullshit.

whatever, i’m smarter now.

i feel like i should make some detailed post that really analyzes my feelings lol @ that shit

i just miss my friends and family in new york….. i loved a lot of things while i was visiting.. so much has changed in so so many ways… i can understand all the self-righteous beaconites being upset with how much beacon has been thriving, because all these people from NYC are moving in which makes things hella more expensive than they already were. No fucking joke, there’s fucking $$$ONE MILLION $$$ priced lofts being built. IN BEACON, the town that people fucking called ghetto only like 10-15 years ago.

that waterfall never used to light up at night. the roundhouse was just some fallen apart abandoned building. i got high on the rooftop of the once-also-abandoned building next to it. Now there’s stores and windows in it.

i won’t forget the month my mom died, when there was finally a day when no one had time to hang out with me to keep me from being alone, i got one of the beacon bums to help me buy a couple 40s and i walked to the waterfall, went down the hill where cars couldn’t see and just sat there and drank and cried my eyes out for hours till someone finally texted me back.

i think leaving NY for all these years has been good for me, despite the shit i’ve put myself through.

i really want to pester my cousin about being roommates but he’s already said he doesn’t want to consider anything till next year. which is literally what everyone is telling me pretty much.

it’s such a bummer. i’m just gonna kill time till then….

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I would drop everything for you. At any hour of the day or night. 

How do I reverse a feeling like that 

I have really sweet cats

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i support the notion that gender doesn’t exist anymore (or at the very least, gender roles) but why doesn’t everybody also try to eliminate all these definitions and words that are coming out of someone’s ass to define every fucking orientation and gender identity? it’s all so fucking oxymoronic honestly.

i came across the word “cishet” yesterday on tumblr and the post was just literally someone defining it, what it means and what it didn’t mean, and it had over 7000 notes seriously. (• a cisgender heteroromantic heterosexual is what it means, tell me, do we really need a fucking word for that?)

i think  part of the reason this whole label explosion has been annoying me, is because that’s ONE of the reason (if not the entire reason) my last relationship ended.

My last ex Caitlyn seriously told people that i wasn’t supportive enough of her. (despite co-signing with her to help her get a car which winded up fucking my credit up) and she constantly mentioned in the last few weeks of our relationship how she didn’t know who she was. It was FUCKING RIDICULOUS. SHE NEEDED A LABEL TO FEEL COMFORTABLE. She couldn’t just fucking be herself and think it was okay. talk about fucking first world problems. whtatever, i’m pretty glad its over because shit sunk in the deep ass ocean REAL fucking fast for us, and it’s all shit she put us through.

Things would’ve been a lot better for me in that relationship if i knew how to say NO and if i knew the importance of loving/giving a shit about myself, i never even would’ve dated her to start with.

but yeah, LABELS ARE FUCKING STUPID AND I WISH EVERYONE WOULD STOP.

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i miss her, wish i could just say hi. i wonder what she would think of everything. i wonder what she would think of me. i’m sure she would hate that i cut all my hair off. i’m sure she would’ve helped me already come back to ny, but i also don’t think she would’ve even let me go.

so much time has passed, and so much more always will. she is someone that will always feel there but she never will be. she never is but i still see her at times… there are signs, it feels so wrong to just call it coincidences.

when my dad hugged me, i felt such a warmth that i hadn’t felt in a long time. i really felt loved.
i cried when i left.

He is nothing like he used to be. Nothing. A lot has changed. A lot changed for the better, way better. I can’t believe how humble he’s become. He’s a totally different person.

It wasn’t easy growing up with him.

I was 4, kevin probably 5 or 6, and Jesse was 14 and there was this fight that happened where my dad broke my mom’s arm or wrist. i can’t remember what Jesse said when we were talking at the reunion.. I couldn’t remember any of that at all. My cousin Sarah was 7. She said her and aunt sue or aunt mary came over to come get us.

Jesse’s dad died when he was 2. My dad said it was a drug OD but Jesse didn’t talk much about it. But i can’t imagine what it must have been like with our mom and my dad together and them just drinking and doing whatever. He said that he would just leave a lot and no one would ever check up on him…

So he got into bad shit. Drugs and stealing and that’s what put him away so long. But he’s back and ready to start over. I would really love to see him do better, he deserves so much more than what he’s had to go through.

My dad told me he really believes mom was on crack up until she died. He had the nerve to say some dumb shit like that to me. I asked Sarah though and she doesn’t believe it but she did remember some coke being around at times. I don’t know when. I didn’t know at all…

But she’s gone now. Not much else to it.

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I was at the top of the mountain, sitting on this rock that was up even higher, and all I wanted to do was call you. 

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I KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER IS

WHY AM I TORTURING MYSELF .
All these years and I can’t figure out how to make it stop

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