When you have to work yourself into a certain level of happiness because it’s so abnormal and surreal that it just seems like an illusion.

Self destruction

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i do not believe someone could care about me this much without having any other intention.

i miss and adore the flow we have.

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It’s such a great feeling to meet someone and just connect so well and have wonderful chemistry with, even if it’s for no reason at all other than pure attraction,

it’s a feeling I think is worth dying for.

I love fire.

I guess we’ll see how long this lasts.

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I’m mad at myself for getting sick but I also sympathize for myself because I know it’s because I smoked cigarettes.

I really should stop making stupid decisions but I just want to feel free.

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Home Base Tavern

IS THE SPOT.

I’m excited about all the new people I’ve been meeting

Low key have my eyes on two girls. 😏

It makes me not want to move back to New York just yet

Honestly I’m so back and forth with moving, it freaks me out

The biggest(pretty much the only?) reason I want to move is because I miss my dad and friends I have. And I’ve felt like I’m having a super hard time making and keeping friends out here.

But after Saturday and last night at HBT, I’m not really thinking about that anymore.

I’ve really decided my issue with personal relationships/friendships has been my low self esteem but I’m aware of that now so I don’t believe I’ll let it get in the way anymore. so maYBE ILL HAVE ACTUAL STABLE HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS NOW?

That would be nice.

Moving to NY is a bad idea because I will have to be dependent on others in a lot of ways and I LOATHE that entirely. I LOVE my independence and not needing help. It’s just too expensive out there.

Here in Ohio, I’m making and gaining money. FedEx pays me $19 an hour and the hours are nice. Slowly paying off debt from giving/spending too much money.

And oh my god there’s so many great nearby concert venues.

I just want to hang out some more with my Cincy crew at hbt

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I feel like I should just start smoking cigarettes again.

I’m so done. I just want to give up

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Even better, this whole thing just sounds like a fucking temper tantrum

When you cry your eyes out for a solid 10-15 minutes then force yourself to move into the living room before you mentally put yourself 6 feet underground , but while doing so still bawling, you hit yourself several times staring at yourself in the mirror because you are more lost and confused than a newborn baby and you actually might even forget who the hell you even are.

All while doing this, you regain mindfulness and are able to calm down slowly.

You look at the floor because it looks closer than any other place you’d ever belong. You get up just with the motive in your mind to make a bed on the floor like the first week you moved in. You move the coffee table and your 2 biggest blankets and lay them down. Grabs the pillows and more blankets. Smoke more weed.

Try talking to someone whos your real life friend and made you happy a lot of times before. It works temporarily.

Everyone is temporary but me. Temporary is everything I just want to become a temporary figment.

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