This made me think of my dad. And how he would treat me when my grades were bad. Or when i wasn’t doing something right

And how maybe I just want someone to blame for the way I am or the shitty decisions I’ve made. And maybe that’s selfish and irresponsible of me.

But it’s just something I don’t forget.

that time when I was working on this report for school, and him and Kevin were in the living room and I did not want to do it at all. I had no idea what to even do about it and it did not interest me at all. I was procrastinating for a long time and basically fucking around. 

My dad was being the good parent and trying to force me to do the project or homework whatever it was, but I just was NOT doing it. It finally got to a point where he got so angry and was screaming at me and beat the piss out of me and was even using a hanger to hit me with.

I can’t imagine how the fuck or what the fuck ever I could’ve done to make him act like that but he did. That was his way of punishing .

Sometimes I wonder with how he was if it’s ever the reason I am the way I am. Like my self esteem or the fact I am absolutely opposed to starting college (which I’m glad I haven’t wasted money) 

But I just feel like it’s selfish to blame him. It’s weird how different he is. But he’s still the same person at the same time. Idk . He’s definitely getting old and that’s scary.

I wish I could be chill 

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I was gonna go get shitfaced tonight

Or go see fireworks

Or get shitfaced and see fireworks or vice versa.

But I’m by myself no matter what so I’ve winded up staying home. Sent out donations to 4 organizations. Been smoking mad weed. Kinda want to keep going but I keep getting lost in thoughts and it distracts me. I have Saving Sirga on, about this lion who’s bffs with a human. Really cute .

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Don’t grow up, it’s just bills

Endless, endless bills

That’s what she tried to teach me

I wish she was still here

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that’s just what happens.

I say it in silence to myself 
It’s really sad when I find amusement watching flies fly around my apartment. 

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As important as I know it is to stay informed with news, 

It just makes me really sad… 

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FedEx is pretty fucking cool on Saturday right before close/locking up. It’s dark, empty as fuck, messy as hell and there’s a huge maze of conveyor belts. I was thinking hard today about what if I could treat it like a jungle gym…

Of course it’s dangerous, of course I wouldn’t ever but it’s also just really intriguing how empty and dark it is, when throughout the week , it’s always full of people and chaos and loud noise

I wish I had ice cream

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Not that anybody cares but I had a great day at work today

I’m so happy I’ve been cooking 3 course meals for myself literally everyday. I’m happy I don’t eat out so much anymore

Signed a new lease the other day. Idk how I’m ever getting back home or who to ever rely on or what’s going on anymore. All I know is I want to go to concerts as much as I can while I’m here.

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