i am not happy… :(..

i woke up mad early for school lunch which sucked.. i cried during it.. i was miserable all day… my feet are killing me for standing for 11 and a half straight hours… my whole body feels weak actually. ive been getting mild chills and my head is starting to hurt.. i should probably take a nap… i cried on the way home a lot.. i havent cried in god knows how long. i really think its been months.i dont know why. i havent written poetry or any of that since like last year too… i kinda assumed i grew outta it but it really sucks because that was my favoritest way to get my emotions out.. crying today kinda felt good but it fucking sucks cuz it just fucking sucks. angels not talking to me again and she changed her number.. i tried calling it.. i cant message her on myspace cuz she only accepts messages from friends, i dont have facebook anymore, i tried emailing her..  im pretty fucking miserable… idk what to do tonight when amanda gets off.. we both have off tomorrow.. i dont want to drink. i dont really want to smoke either. idk wtf to do… i just wanna cry. its the only thing i can do that will really feel better right now. i just wanna be miserable. everything feels so horrible. i hate way too much and it hurts. i feel so horrible. i dont feel like dying but i feel like rotting.

ugh… so there’s this carnival here by the dutchess stadium.. its open on the weekends only and its here till the 23rd.. and i heard on saturdays they got fireworks.. they got animals there and those crazy exhibits things so its definitely cool.. i heard its $3 for parking, $6 to get in and $20 for a bracelet to go on any ride as many times as you want.. thats pretty cool.. we’re definitely going for my birthday.. possibly this saturday too..  me and amanda thought it’d be cool to roll face too but as of now.. nothing excites me anymore.. i havent felt this empty since my mom died.. shit really sucks.. i cant find my smile empty soul’s more anxiety cd.. which is really bad cuz i just fuckin bought that shit..

tomorrow i guess me and amanda will buy tickets to see story of the year on the 30th.. im buying hers and mine.. i wanted to go back to the newburgh mall cuz they actually have a fye there…i wish it would stop being so fuckin cold.. its may and im pretty sure one night a few nights ago hit like 30..im cold and my body feels so weak. it hurts.. i wish my best friend wasnt such a miserable person.. i dont think its fair that even though i get paid $2 more she thinks i have to pay for Everything.. i always buy food everytime we go somewhere, i bought over $50 worth of arts and craft stuff.. i get $20-$35 of gas for my car every few days, i always gotta buy the beer apparently, and it was fucked up cuz when we went to the store monday night, amanda sky and this guy greg was in the car with us, once i pulled up and parked, they got right out. when amanda gets back in the car, she claims that she didnt yell, but her voice was totally in a louder tone, cuz she was like, ‘what you expect us to go in there and get the beer without any money?’ and she told me i owed her $20 for it, EVEN though it only came out to $14 something and i bought us fucking dominos that night and i had to get gas. like what the hell? she thinks just cuz she gets paid $2 less than me and the fact that her life is all fucked up with all these fines to pay that she fucking did to herself, so i gotta pay for everything? that really hurt my feelings.. i didnt argue back but i mentioned the next day when we were getting cookies from mcdonalds how i bought food for us and she was like ‘fine we’re even’ in her louder tone of voice again… i feel used sometimes basically and it fucking hurts…

i want to disappear. i want to cry. i’m gonna go listen to truth in sincerity .. i gotta get virtues.. ugh

i want to try cutting back on the drinking and smoking.. like not cut back but quit for a while.. i want my memory cells back and i dont think either of those are gonna make me feel any better anymore..

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