UGH.

i fucking hate ramy so much. i couldnt even stop myself from crying. i had to, i seriously had to go to the bathroom so he wouldnt see, because it fucking made me cry.

it all started because we started talking if ghosts were real or not. he doesnt believe in them but i told him that i did because before i even knew what they were, i saw one. i used to live in a apartment on main street when i was like 6 years old and my dad has even told me his encounters. that place was fucking haunted. this building was on main street, main street’s been around since beacon was first founded which was way back in like the 1800s. so maybe it is haunted. but the way he was asking me questions about it, he fucking tried to make me feel like im absolutely retarded or something. like whatever, dont believe in ghosts, idgaf but dont make fun of me.

and then he got into it. he told me i’m “very religious” just because i believe that there’s something more after death. just because i dont believe in eternal blackness. he thinks what happens after death is the same way like before you were born. nonexistance. and it seems like its a bad thing but ‘THE BEAUTY IN IT ALL’ is that you dont know because you’re not anything. that part, really fucking got to me. because then i started thinking about my mom and thats just no, thats not what you want to think about. and he thinks the only reason i wont believe that is because i’m scared. and im living in my own happy world. it did scare the shit out of me, and it completely put me in a really depressed mood because i just wanted to think my mom was still around in some way, any way at all. i dont want her seeing blackness. and not remembering me. this guy doesnt even believe in reincarnation. he doesnt believe in souls at all

and i really felt like he was attacking me after point. not even just with the conversation we were having but when i had to make a pizza, he wanted me to cover up the dough in the dough trays, because thats what should always be done but i wanted to make the pizza as fast as possible first and dude i just knew from there he was just fucking picking on me.

he was being so ignorant. he told me that religious people are hard to talk to. he thinks i’m hard to talk to? he didnt even give a moment to understand anything that i tried to explain from my side. he had everything all sorted out in his head. all i kept thinking about was dying and becoming nothing. everything is empty. to him that makes “perfect, logical, scientific” sense but to me it doesnt at all. before your parents have sex, you are nothing. you’re not there, you never were. but then you’re a fetus, and you’re born and you grow and you age and learn and experience and you have thoughts and feelings and relationships with others and you start to go, but everything in this world does. so what, then you disappear forever? and the only reminants are of images in people’s memories and dreams? i started thinking of bugs and animals, do they get the same fate as us? does having a conscious mean anything? but then i remember, that there’s outer space, other dimensions, infinity. Infinity, forever. he used my age against me saying i’m too young to understand forever. But please tell me, WHO really understands forever? how could anyone even truly understand what forever really is… forever is no end… it just goes… and goes… here on earth, there’s just a lot of begininnings and endings. the closest to forever would be in the trees, because arent they the only thing that live for 100s of years?

now i’m thinking, maybe to him, and some other derranged people in this world, his view of afterlife is true, but i remember that on this earth, there are so many, soooo many, different people. different beliefs. there can also be different consequences. maybe im not right but he doesnt have to be either. nothing is right or wrong. there’s only one big definition of right and wrong and thats love and hate.

this blog entry is absolutely nothing but a way for me to think stuff out that there’s more than what he said.
he really fucking hurt my feelings though

i told him i didnt like him anymore. i even said i hated him. i told him not to talk to me. i told him i dont want to talk to him anymore. i told him to stop. he said that i probably think hes evil or hes satan. i told him hes just an asshole to me. i feel like its definitely safe to say he was an asshole for talking me down like that. like im in my own happy world. i’m in my own happy world, but just happen to be in the same store, the same town and on the same planet as he is at this moment in life.

i have to open again with him on thursday.. i just hope its not as slow as it was today… it wasnt even slow, it was absolutely dead. i was going crazy. the worst part is he’s my manager’s husband… fuck my life.. it makes me miss the new york store a lot… i was sooo respected there. i really miss the respect i had.

ugh…

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