writing can be a dangerous thing. i just read old things i must’ve wrote back in like, 2006 or 2007 or something.
when i first started hanging with the nobodies. it made me smile, it made me feel alive again.
it’s so long ago. i can’t let myself get stuck on it. i’m kinda grateful though,
my life has gotten a lot better, i’m happier. i don’t have like 30 friends anymore but i do have someone who truly loves me.
something which i needed more than 30 friends. although, back then i felt like i belonged to something. now i kinda am just here.. but slowly i’m learning to be okay with that. i had a total break down at the start of 2012.. and then 3 months later i began talking to this wonderful girl… who i’ve pretty much almost ran off the edge of the earth with and we just save each other every time.
i’m definitely more mature, but there is something i miss. i used to be so, observant and i think i was more open minded back then than i am now. but in a way it’s a good thing, because i know what types of people aren’t worth hanging around. not like i have friends anyway.
i also miss that feeling of experiencing things for the first time.. i still do! i still have new experiences, but for some reason, it’s just, not intense. there’s no, fire, or passion, not as much excitement?.
maybe that’s just because i’ve gotten old.
i’m turning 23 next year. high school’s been over for half a decade. my friend died. my friends parents are all dying. my parent died.
i was also reading something i’ve wrote more recently, like 2 months ago. ever since my mom died, i’ve felt like my life’s just becoming more awkward, and ever since i moved out to ohio, my creative writing has halted drastically. i mean i write here and there but idk.. i’m more focused on being an adult, being responsible, taking care of myself, these things i’ve always wanted so badly because i hated relying on anyone, even if it was my own dad, i hated feeling like i needed him. i still hate feeling like i need anyone. but i do. i need very few people, and if there’s anything i should hate, it would have to be not expressing my gratitude enough.
and a lot of times when i wrote, i would always be struggling with something, i would normally write when i was in pain. if it wasn’t that, then i would write about my friends and how awesome they were and how much fun being high/drunk was, although i also definitely had unhappy high/drunk poems. i used to almost ALWAYS write in school because i didnt care to pay attention anyway, i was always more focused on feeling/emotions.
i just don’t really have many emotions anymore.
i don’t knowwwww
i should sleep. the sun is out.