writing typing writing typing writing

i just read through like, 10 pages of poems from when my mom died.

not including this picture. this picture is just what i was typing now lol. i wrote it years ago.

but when i was reading those 10 pages, holy shit was i depressed. i mean yeah my mom just died but i re-felt #thestruggle

lol. i’ve been so excited to smoke weed all through work and i’m still like, procrastinating on it. isn’t that weird? i think it’s a good thing. i know when i smoke i’m going to just get lost in my thoughts and stare for hours and be suuuuper slow and it’s not good when i’m trying to accomplish stuff!

but i’m going to smoke anyway. i love reading my poems stoned as fuck, just not the ones about my mom.
i don’t need to bawl my eyes out when my girlfriend is hours away to coming home from work.
but i love reading poetry when i’m high, just like i love listening to music/reading lyrics when i’m high.

i also wrote this last night when i was in bed:
I could start tally marking the years on the walls,
like they do in prison
to keep track of time before they’re free.
I could take lots of pills to keep calm,
to stop the thinking
to help me go straight to sleep

Speaking of sleep, i swear, for the longest time now I’ve been having fucked up dreams. Say the past 20 days, the majority of my dreams have been related to death and getting fucked over. Last night i dreamed about the fan in my bedroom, i turned it off but it turned back on. i turned it back off again and then it came back on. i did this AGAIN and the same happened so then i unplugged the fan from the outlet but it stayed on. i got the sense that my room was haunted. i was screaming in my dream something like what the fuck do you want? leave me alone. it was insane.

according to a dream dictionary:
To see a fan in your dream refers to the changes in your life. It may also signifies your need to calm down after a highly charged emotional situation or state.

and i totally understand this. i completely believe in dream dictionaries. our dreams are supposed to help alleviate our waking emotions, the only thing is any crazy bizarre thing that happens in a dream can tend to have a odd definition but still relatable. but yeah. i do need to calm down, i’ve been telling myself this nightly, last night included and i probably will again tonight before i actually fall asleep. it’s hard, but i’m getting there. at least i think i am, i hope i am :/ it hurts but i need it so much. i’ve just been thinking too crazy and it’s not healthy at all. i can’t even really talk about it because i’d rather just ignore it and hope it disappears hah…….


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