i need to get back onto this more. okay.
Last night, odd dream. For some reason, i was in this waiting room, waiting on something that seemed like Jasmine’s autopsy? weird, but anyway, it was taking a long time. after like an hour and a half or 2 hours, i started getting grumpy about it. There were other people waiting also, for whatever they were waiting for. i guess other people’s autopsies since this seems to be the case. we were all getting upset with our wait. and this guy who was at this counter, kept blaming it on the assumption that we all needed cigarettes. Like, we were just grumpy because we were craving cigarettes. it was sooo weird.
finally, our wait was over, but then i had to carry Jasmine to someplace next door. i can’t remember it, but i remembered carrying Jasmine. in a bodybag. She felt skinny, and decaying. it was definitely weird.
That’s all i really remember unfortunately. some guy thinking i just needed cigarettes and carrying Jasmine’s lifeless body. i hope she’s okay. i know she’s still around somehow, even if it’s hard to see the ways she is. I know she’s a stronger being now, a stronger form of energy. I haven’t seen my mom in my dreams in a while, it seems. Not since like last July at least. This July 1st will be 6 years since her death and her birthday this year will be her 60th. 6 is a bad number isn’t it? I’m kinda nervous. I was just writing all the bills due dates on my new calendar for each month and started wondering if i’ll even live through this year. That would make me sad if i didn’t because i just want to publish books. If i die soon, I’d feel regret that I didn’t get it done. I’m not happy until I’ve made physical books. It’s taking me a while, because this is definitely a process, especially for more than one book but I have to motivate myself.
in other news, vacation in Minnesota was unforgettable. I’ve never been closer with Heather ❤ everything was great except for one incident, which i feel embarrassed for, and is just ANOTHER reason to cut back hardcore on drinking, but honestly that incident just made us become closer. And I’m happy i didn’t leave any permanent real damage. But yeah, i have a goal, to not drink until the Off With Their Heads show, but even then i might not drink because i want to spend a shit ton of money on their merch. i plan on buying all their albums then, as long as they have them. Maybe even a shirt because they have this “catzilla” shirt and it’s kinda awesome/funny.
I wonder if i’ll actually follow through. It’s not fuckin hard, i’m just an unmotivated piece of worthless shit, lol.Drinking really sets me back from writing. i kind of loathe that.
it’s getting pretty late. this is a decent update. i’m gonna mellow out and try to sleep.