i’ve had a miserable past couple of days. i’m kinda doing better. just dwelling on shit i really shouldn’t be. it’s sad. i didn’t sleep much, until heather bought me sleeping pills and a bob marley drink, then i finally was able to sleep more than 3 hours and it really helped. sleeping is very important for a person to function.
last night, jasmine was in it again. i told her i’m really glad she’s still alive because we all thought she was dead. she just kinda shrugged it off and walked away from me. i don’t remember much else. it took me a few hours after i woke up but i think that was her way of telling me that i need to accept the past. i definitely do. i need to focus on my life.
i’ve been feeling so fucking scared of my life and scared of my future. i’ve been feeling like i could have a panic attack any moment. i hate it. i need to calm down. and most of all, i need to keep writing. for my whole life, this is all i’ve known that has helped me. it just sucks so fucking bad that i’m inspired at the worst times. i was inspired at work today but was only able to write down like 3 lines. i just can’t keep going at it if i can’t sit down and keep writing. but i shouldn’t give up. i read how the worst thing about being a writer is constantly coming to account with your feelings, at every moment. but it’s such a good thing to do, it’s so worth it in the end. ignoring the way you feel never has good results. everything must be taken accountable
i need to work.