i attempt to organize my writings on it… lol these are all really old but i really like them and they remind me i’m good for something.
i wish there was a number i could call.. just to say hey thats all.. or even better, what’s going on..we both know its been so long you’ve been gone. so much has happened, you’ve met your end and all i’m left is with what could have been mom. i’m alive on this planet called earth and if you’re there i wish you’d make it heard. you know i’ll never stop remembering you and i’ve only got years on and years more to go. your existence has never felt more distant and i know it will feel worse. i need you here, it’s too much to bare what is all this remorse? it’s been a while since i’ve written any poetry but inspiration has suddenly struck me. it’s your disappearance and my neediness for your presence, or at least your voice. these words aren’t helping. they don’t change anything. my mission is void.
i need heat on in my home, because i’m cold, and i’m wearing summer clothes,i need the closet door closed and the blinds open,let the sun shine in, its comforting, the daylight comforts my mind, at night i see weird shadows from the corners of my eyes, i’d say its bedtime
theres something evil in us all/its so imperfect/we all have something wrong/we need to admit it
i feel like puking/because i want to know what you’re doing/or how you can be so happy/the way you do that so magically/but maybe it’s all just a dream, a nightmare, an idea/ like the way i feel could ever be real
my insides feel like the aftermath/of the 9/11 terrorist attacks/i’m bound to collapse/all this smoke and debris/cluttering my mind has me on the verge of a panic attack/nothing was supposed to be like this, now i’m dwelling on the past/i’m terrified of my life and future/everything is fucked and off track
there was once a group of misfit kids that would sit in a circle/ on memorial park’s hill and smoke weed until/ their brains were made of clouds/and they fell in love with sounds/ and laughed until they couldn’t breathe/ love was in everything/ the sunset every evening was hopeful and bright/ and these potentially filled young lives/were all brought together blessed in a heavenly disguise/ conversations were empowered to echo/ moments shared were so cared for/ it was escape from everything we know/ as we began to open a brand new door/it was fulfillment finally feeling that sense of belonging/it was the essence of everything i’ve ever wanted/everything i ever needed to feel okay in my own skin/ with everything of who i am/just don’t forget i’ll love you all till the very end
^yeah that was probably the best of it.
i drank 24 oz of coffee today and then 25 oz of beer. i thought that was funny. i also started reading a book while i drank coffee. i dont think i could concentrate on a book right now.
caitlyn asked me today if i thought she was a pothead. i told her she wasn’t because she doesn’t wake and bake. she just likes to enjoy smoking after work. although she sorta let it get in the way of doing her homework today. she says she smokes everyday. seems like she loves smoking as much as i love drinking except i dont drink everyday lol weed is so much less harmful though lol and it’s also more expensive so hopefully she doesn’t smoke it all too fast..
and she just woke up and it’s 2:18 and she thanked me for still being awake so she doesn’t have to wake up to pitch black nothing ? i think she said. she used to love sleeping with the light off LOL.
i wish i was tired. i guess i should just take melatonin