I’ve been listening to Just surrender a lot lately. Their “we’re in like sin” album wasn’t that great, it was okay but “if these streets could talk” and “Phoenix” are great. Not gonna lie, listening to some songs have really made me start crying, I even cried on the way home tonight. A lot of their songs seem to be about betrayal and it’s just so relatable.
“Deep inside I’m burning up from you. You’ve let me down so many times, it’s true. You play with fire and you’re gonna lose. I’m burning up, burning up from the thought of you”
That made me think of how I burned her corkboard. She fucking left me and the animals alone with nowhere to go and she still left the animals after I left the apartment so fuck her, she deserved it. You just don’t abandon your kids/pets when you’re dating someone. She won’t tell everyone WHY I burned her stuff though, of course. Because that would require her to take responsibility and she’d rather get bullshit love and affection from everyone and angel to make up for the lack of love she has for herself. She can’t handle being single or independent, she’s pathetic. She’s never had to feel alone.
I’ve been put through way too much stress this past year. I’m still stressed out, but at least I know it’s all in the past now. I’ve never been addicted to cigarettes before but now I’m on my 2nd pack since Caitlyn broke up with me and I get cravings kinda often. It’s horrible how much I used to hate them and now I just don’t care anymore because smoking is more relief to me than cutting. I still compare it to cutting. It’s not just that Caitlyn broke up with me, she literally put me through hell and abandoned me completely. That’s the way it feels at least. And she isn’t taking responsiblity for quite a number of things. The worst part is I’m still trying to get over her. I really hope I’ll wake up one day soon and just not care anymore. But it’s not going to be soon, and at least I have a group of friends now, and they all seem like genuine people. So far. I mean they’re not going to live with me so what could fuck up?
A lot of them went to the masque tonight for some drag show. Some of them partake in it (and they are MUCH better than Caitlyn ever will be probably, she should just stick to karaoke for real) fortunately none of them like performing at MJ’S and Caitlyn doesn’t have talent to actually get booked anyway, she’s only ever going to do open stage so I won’t have to worry about seeing her if I ever go one night.
I should get to sleep soon so I can wake up early tomorrow and finish putting the last of my stuff away. I’m getting a free tv stand from my co-worker and my other co-worker said I can have him and his wife’s old bed too so that’s sweet. Hopefully I can get both of those tomorrow. The lady who used to live here came by a few days ago to ask me to save her mail and she said she’d sell me her patio table and chairs all for $60 so that seems cool too.
All I’ll need then is a couch. I want one of those huge L shaped couches.
I also need to do some research on Helltown, Ohio and Moonville/McArthur, Ohio.
Tomorrow is also the start of one of the group therapies I’m going to. Hopefully it doesn’t suck but it probably will, idk. Whatever at least I’m trying.
“Take a look at yourself and tell me, what do you see? I’d take a bullet for you, you put a bullet through me and as I lay on the floor with this hole in my chest, can you walk from the truth with all that blood on your dress? Everything that you want is everything that I need, I would’ve give it to you but you would’ve taken it from me. Every word that you said, it brought me closer to sin. I close my eyes and pretend it’s all fading”