So I’m watching prison break just to see if it’s a good show and it’s my day off and the fact that this guys execution date being May 11 set me off. That’s jasmines birthday. But I’m really thinking of my mom?
Wow I still get so mad at myself for not being there more for my mom when she died when I was only 17. I wish I knew more about cannabis oil or medical marijuana like I do now. I still completely abhor the fact that I didn’t take care of her more. I just wish I was fucking older when I knew more better. I mean it could be so much worse I know, but it doesn’t change that it hurts. Every person I live with, I do so much more for, so much more than I’m ever returned, and I was just pacing in the kitchen wishing I could’ve been that way for my mom. I don’t know.
But it’s nice to cry. I’m such a numb person. The letter helanna gave me years ago still means so much. She wrote “I think you are an amazing person and don’t forget that.” And “I know you’ll be strong – you always are – but don’t be afraid to feel, however terrifying that might seem” I’m always looking back at that card she gave me, it was honestly probably the best condolence I received.
Helanna gave me my first job ever with Green Teen, she even took me in for seasonal work late notice the summer she died so I could have something to do with myself and she also even bought ice cream with me one time and we walked around the park with her dog and we talked and she has been the one to plant two trees in beacon for Jasmine and Jasmine was the whole reason I even met helanna, and Belinda and idk it all just means a lot to me.
Life goes on. It doesn’t stop for anyone.
It’s so important that I keep writing.
Time to smoke and vibe.