no one believes in me

it’s kind of heartbreaking actually

i’m sitting outside on my porch. i need peace. my blood is flowing too fast, and for some reason i’m thinking tea is going to help me even though i know it’ll make me feel worse (my pulse rate at least) but the taste is lovely..

i’ve been spending as much time as possible distracting myself from news and venting my frustrations through writing and it’s very positive and i hate myself for ever wasting time not doing this.

i woke up today to candy texting bombing me to do something at work… which she knows i am not scheduled to be there at this exact moment. but for some reason, it’s up to me to do self-inspections. kay. she’s telling me she’s trying to keep supervisors away from the store. but i told her for the 2nd time this week something is wrong with the hood on the oven and the supervisor she told me to get a hold of is also on vacation. there’s a different supervisor hassling her, which is causing her to hassle me. i ask her if i can get ahold of him, and she responds by questioning if it’s really the hood or the A/C…. that’s fine. it lowkey made me feel like she doesn’t believe in me. then she calls the store, to the manager who is actually fucking working and has them do tests that i’ve already done, and has them call a supervisor because like i said, something is wrong with the hood. that’s fine, but really… i guess my word isn’t good enough despite that i’ve worked through rush this past weekend with everyone else complaining TO ME about the heat.

once upon a time, someone who used to work at dominos decided instead of coming in to their shift, they would tell someone they work with to call off for them. sounds a lot like eleesha, but i’m actually talking about someone else who’s name doesn’t matter but it’s someone angela might still hang out with! (katie) yeah this katie girl got fired for that. why isn’t eleesha getting fired? is this fair? it’s actually very sweet for eleesha

but somehow, i’m still the unfair one according to tia. i mean, my theory is, if eleesha has the power (somehow) to just call off work whenever she wants (or getting others to call off for her) without getting anyone to cover for her, it’s okay.. (and she has done this countless times) BUT it’s NOT okay, if i decide since she has this power, that it’s reasonable if !!! I!!! have the power to send her the fuck home whenever i feel like, I MEAN BESIDES THE FACT SHE STILL HAS THIS JOB

Nope. i’m fucking abusing my power. that really fucking hurt.

it really hurts seeing my friends constantly get let down. i cannot allow myself to be involved anymore. i’m not selfish. because who the fuck else is going to care about my own physical, emotional, and mental well-being. fucking nobody. i only wish everybody else cared for themselves too.. but i guess it’s a whole other story about how i am craving for friends who are older (or at least more mature) than me

this is probably the first time in my whole life i am putting myself first.

it’s not that i usually have everyone in front of me, but there’s always somebody..

i know what happens when i don’t put myself first, and wind up exploding. i lose friends. i lose everyone who gives the slightest fuck for me. no one, since i’ve moved to ohio, has ever actually tolerated me for very long before. i’m kind of like the annoying parent that takes care of others and tries to help them get their shit together. kids eventually move out.

i honestly can say that i don’t even know how to hold a friendship. all i know how to do is give. i give dominos, i give my car, i give my money. i get company and maybe a validation in exchange.

i get so fucking terrified i’ll end up like my grandma. alone as fuck. granted, she is old, and a lot of people she’s ever known are passed away already. she’s amazingly lucky my dad cares for her so much. she’s horribly mentally abusive and no one, her own daughters, can stand her. i’ve had 2 of my aunts tell me they would not come to their own mom’s funeral.

i guess to compare myself to her is extreme maybe but i keep feeling fucking alone.

i can’t tolerate anyone who goes through vicious cycles of addiction. i can’t hang around anyone who tolerates abuse in their lives because they’re dependent.

sometimes, even when i’m with people (friends), i still feel like i’m alone. or like i’d rather be alone. maybe this is normal for someone who’s 25.

i can’t let myself stress about anything anymore. fortunately, very fucking fortunately, i can find ways to be happy being alone.

 

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