it’s been almost a year since caitlyn broke up with me.

we’re friends on facebook now, at least, but only because her ex cheated on her and they’re done now. i’m slightly just waiting for her to find someone new. hopefully she doesn’t even talk about me.

i see her posts on facebook, just meme images mostly and i hold myself back from commenting a lot. like how she shares shit talking about how loyal she is to everyone she’s been with (she probably shares because of her recent ex, forgetting me) how she’s not a bar/club person (yet she got so upset with me when i wouldn’t see her perform in drag at MJs) and just other contradictory shit

sometimes i wonder if i’ve healed from us, or if i’m over it, or if i’m not. most of the time i distract myself from remembering it ever happened. because i mean, it’s over. whether i’m okay now or not. time and space have gotta heal something

i do miss her.
i figured it’s either because
1.) i was genuinely fucking happy with her in the begininning
2.) i’m not interested in anyone else at this moment

the ending of us was horrible. she convinced me to blame myself for her leaving me.
i didn’t appreciate her enough
i didn’t fuck her enough
i would verbally insult her
i was depressing and it was my fault she was having mental instability

it really fucking hurt what she put me through. all her friends/co-workers moving in and out with us, all the animals that were technically her responsibility that she couldn’t man up to be accountable for

maybe what my only actual issue in our relationship was the fact i didn’t want to refer her as male pronouns, except when she was doing drag, i was okay with that. but outside of drag, no. i think she still considers herself genderqueer.

i mean idk what it is. there’s this theory that everyone in the world is actually genderqueer and pansexual. but i’m really not interested in ….hairyness…. bigger muscle mass…. DICK. it’s not like she was going to take testosterone or have surgery but i also wasn’t interested in calling her my boyfriend.

the only boyfriend i’ve ever accepted having was a guinea pig when i was like 9 LOL

i mean i kinda wonder how she would feel if she was in my situation? she’s always posting shit about how “lesbian” she is. i can’t imagine how she would feel if she was with someone who was genderqueer and wanted to be refered to as her boyfriend

i personally think i’m more “male” than she is, but if she was genderqueer like she said, what is so honestly wrong with sticking to calling her my girlfriend?

i guess i’ll just get over it one day.

i wasn’t enough for her. she deserves someone who is enough.

i just really liked who she was. as a person. without labels.

it’s funny she is where i wanted the both of us to go now…
sometimes i wonder if we had actually gone together..

i need to get ready for work.

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