Tia is finally fucking gone. holy shit , never again am i living with someone. UNLESS I JUST SOMEHOW KNOW IT’S OKAY. i’m never allowing someone in my space again just to fucking help someone EVER again.

i’ll never ever ever ever ever allow her back into my life. the only thing i’m going to remember her for is how she’s talked shit about all her closest friends and how she wished i would kill myself and wanting to beat my damn ass so much. fuck that. she’s got an overwhelming amount of insecurity. thank god i started talking to bre when i did. thank god thank god thank god.

bre is more than just my friend. she’s been my mentor through alll this bullshit, thank fucking god. i honestly know for a fact that if my self esteem was still as low as it was that i would be absolutely FUCKED from taking in all tia has took out on me. she is one fucked up individual. not my problem.

thank god that shit is officially in the past.

if i didn’t have a concert later , i would totally love to just stay up all day and CLEAN. i’m actually contemplating on bailing. it’s to see The Spill Canvas in Indy. They’re great af live but …. i have other things i really want to do…..

i need to just lay down and take a lil nap…

omg me and my brother talked on facebook messenger for like 2 hours tonight. he was drunk. he was spilling his guts for a minute and then he started trying pressuring me into trying salvia and he’s also saying he really wants me to come visit him and he’d even help pay for me to get there.

he was being kinda dumb but kinda funny at some points. he was saying our mom and dad were both dumb but somehow we turned out smart. mom was a crackhead and dad was an alcoholic. we were talking about how we were treated growing up and he said all this

“i won’t deny that i ended up being the favorite kid because of my grades. However, as you’re clearly showing right now, grades arent everything
 this is the same shit i pull
 you lean
 you just didn’t do it in school
 i think you’re very smart and self-aware
 based off of what i’ve seen you post on facebook
 smarter than the average piece of shit that calls themself a human being
 i’m only as succesful as i am because i learned how to program
 and i kept learning
 and i learned people skills
 so people like me
 so i can code for you and you like me
 thats how you make money
 but deep down
 i hate people
 and i’m very depressed, lonely, and self-loathing
 it’s all a facade
 but being productive gives me happines”
and he said this and it was really accurate and sweet

“and yes, i do think about mom a lot

 and i think about dad a lot
 and i’m happy knowing i became a person that mom would joke about
she would be like you’re going to buy me a house when i’m old right
well now i can
but she’s not here”
“sounds like back then, dad was a useless alcoholic and mom was a crazy bitch

 makes me wonder how we ended up as not-crazy as we are”
“i think im insane sometimes

 and probably an alcoholice
 but im also crazy smart and driven
 you just need to channel it”
“adderall, clonazepan, and alcohol
 keeps me balnace
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