hi.

haven’t written a while in either blog and i think it’s alright to do so right now.

i just feel uncomfortable being constantly checked up on sometimes , i just feel like i’m being judged.

i’m writing in here instead of my other one because my other one can just be my really personal stuff/bullshit when i don’t feel like physically writing.

i’ve been drinking everyday. i don’t get shitfaced or nothing but i’ve been buying myself 30 packs of PBR and just drinking one or a couple every night. it’s nice but idk. i also keep stocked on the long island. i get myself buzzed at least. i kinda feel like it might be a bad thing but i also kinda think maybe i should just not think of it like that. when i don’t drink alcohol, i drink heavily on tea/coffee. i’ve definitely craved cigarettes but fortunately i just smoke weed instead haaaa. that hollyweed sign is hilarious.

i feel like i always want to make myself feel bad.

and it doesn’t make me want to change, it just makes me feel bad.

but maybe it’s an okay thing because if i didn’t,

maybe i would really binge myself.

hah it’s a good thing to have a conscious lol

omg so i worked till after midnight on new years eve at dominos and i had some wine because i wanted to drink something for midnight but my dumbass forgot my corkscrew at home. i struggled but eventually tia just helped me into pushing it into the bottle. i literally entered 2017 at dominos struggling to get a bottle of wine open and tia winded up helping haha. so i poured a few cups, only me, tia, and andrew drank a little, i drank the most because i bought it plus i stayed in the back. tia was dumb though , like when she took her cup she went up front and was like “lets get lit” out loud like real cool dude.

and its a good thing i opened today, because either tia or angela left their cup with wine still in it on the office desk. like, are you fucking kidding me. not saying candy would let me get in trouble but i could still get in trouble for bringing alcohol to work. i don’t care that it’s NYE and i only let everyone have a shot worth of wine, i don’t want it to be known. but that’s cool af of them to do that , i’ll never trust them again to be conspicuous.

and then andrew today seriously tells the other driver, brad, how i brought in some “tasty wine last night” and i didnt say a word and i’m hoping brad forgot because it didnt spark much conversation and then after like 10 minutes i told andrew i wanted to talk to him and told him how i found the cup on the desk (i know it wasn’t his because he chugged and finished his cup right in front of me) but i reminded him that wine is alcohol and we are on the clock so please never bring it up again

like i thought all this would be common sense but whatever. that bothered me today.

fedex is going really awesome. my bank account has gotten sexier at least. i’m still paying off credit card debt though. fedex is just an awesome company to work for. i’m slowly learning more and more of the answers to questions people have to. i love learning more and more. it makes me happy and hopeful every single day.

i love youtube and concerts heh byeee

HERE’S A POEM THOUGH BECAUSE I AM GOOD FOR SOMETHING

the concept of life and death
is very vast and treacherous like my belly button
i know that sounds silly
but the universe is inside of me,
inside all of us individually
i judge my own life so damn much
i’d really appreciate it if no one else does
it’d be really great if you stop acting like such a cunt

i could never do hardcore drugs on a binge
because life’s a trip enough as it is
i used to think there was some kind of sign above my head,
and no one would ever tell me what it said
because it would malfunction what was destined,
no one can tell me the truth without complication
you can’t comprehend anything when you’ve lost your mind.
how do you realize when your hands are of lunacy’s strife?
your pre-determined fate you aren’t allowed to decide
it becomes who you are, the way you’re brought up in life

i still can’t believe it’s fucking real
i’m doing everything i can to get out of here

I wish I lived somewhere the sun doesn’t set
I’m trying to get high out of an empty bowl
getting out of bed to get alcohol would be enough of progress today
i’m just feeling so low…
I’m not doing anything to get closer to where i need to be.
I’m just soaking in my own misery.
depression is so crazy, life is such a tragedy
i can’t get away from whats been taken from me.

i hate that the holidays are supposed to be special
but every year, they’re more annoying than ever.

even her death date doesn’t hurt as much as her birthday
because we can’t celebrate so we silently commemorate
and the day of her death was unrealistically miserable
but one year later, and one year from the funeral
was definitely a day of acceptance and progress
she knows how to let us know it’s not completely over yet
her birthday 3 months after her death, was unbearable
i just need to never forget every year, i’m closer to her

it’s no surprise i keep trying to chase ghosts
so many people who used to be so close
We never had closure
and now it’s all over

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