Today was a day.

I’ve been spending the past few sundays home all day chilling. It’s the only day I’m off from both jobs.

I may or may not have just been facing the floor hugging my grav bucket just now. I got really drunk last night, I actually woke up hungover. I only have one beer and a very small amount of liit left in my fridge. Actually who knows if that last beer is actually in there. I don’t feel like checking to see if I drank it. 

I spent a lot of last night talking to Amanda too, and we were talking about splitting a 2 bedroom near beacon. She doesn’t really have a stable good paying job right now though and who knows if what we talk about doing will ever really happen. It’s not something we’ve never planned before.

I think I finally calmed down… I cried earlier. I dont know if I can really talk/write about it. I want to know what to say, but I can’t think. 

I’m fucked up. This is going to freak me out again. I need to change the subject.

There are things I’m really not happy about in life and I wish I could change them but I have to be okay with it instead. 

There may be things I’m not okay with, and never will be, but. I am a lot more okay than I think I am. I am so amazingly lucky. I am so smart about certain things and I know I can do better. 

I’ve been drinking so much because I feel like I’m at a loss and I’m missing something and I feel more whole when alcohol affects me. 

I need to feel more love for myself and take care of myself. 

I felt really unloved today. For no reason. 

I should sleep soon because I’ll wake up tired tomorrow. I always do, I always will. Idk how not to feel tired at an hour like 5am.

I feel physically drained today. Working at dominos makes me miserable and exhausts me a million times more every time I’m there. 

FedEx has saved me from feeling worthless about myself. and everyday I’m learning something new there and it’s getting me out of a financial hole.

I drank a shit ton of tea today, I drank this new stuff called Joy and it was good until I started feeling panicky..

I just want to cry hysterically to be honest, I think it would feel really good to get it out. I just want to fall apart but I don’t feel able to. I don’t get it. I don’t think I can because it’s unsafe. It’s weird.

I guess I’ll just lay here and miss things till I fall asleep. Im pathetic.

It’s okay not to be okay. I’m going to be okay again. I will be okay. 

But idk. I hope.

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