FedEx has been crazy the past couple days

The stress I deal with there is so much more than dominos ever has been.

There’s always so much to learn. I always remind myself that I know more than I did yesterday or I know more than I did last week. It’s always true

I was also just thinking… randomly how shitty of a friend tia was to me. She really did want to do nothing but trash me. It was awful. Like when I made that painting and I wanted to give to her. She didn’t care, and she just assumed I wanted to get rid of it. Like sure, I didn’t care NOT to have it, hence why I wanted to give it away but it seemed like something that would make a nice gift. Anytime I ever drew anything, shit did I ever keep them? Usually I always drew shit with the intention of giving it as a gift. That was just something that came natural to me.

Anyway, I winded up sending it to amanda. and you know what? She fucking loved it. Made a huge post on Facebook and everything.

I don’t know why or how her and I started out so okay/GOOD even and it ended so horrible. I don’t know how someone with her mindset could be so cruel to me. After all I did for her. She would boast all the time about her mental illness, she identified by it. All I ever wanted to do was help.

What kind of person with a mental illness even boasts about their fucking mental illness? When I say boast, i mean she pretty much flat out introduced herself by it. It was WHO she is and how she lived by. What the actual fuck? And she used it as an excuse for JESUS CHRIST probably almost all her problems. I’m all about talking about your problems but sometimes I can’t even tell if anything is wrong with me. Because she and so many other people have made me feel like something has to be.  But what the fuck is it? 

That I try to fucking help? That I get upset when people don’t follow back through like they originally fucking told me they would? Am I fucking wrong because I’m tramautized by not ever fucking being good enough for anyone in my life to trust, to believe in, to want to just fucking be there in their life?

Why have I been letting such shitty people who don’t give a fuck about my life into my life? .

Now I am more alone than I ever have been in my life. And sometimes I think I’m fixing it and other times I feel absolutely fucking lost.  Like I’m missing out. And like my life’s just over.

But I keep waiting.

I need to set out more positive goals in my life. Sometimes I even feel like I would never have applied at FedEx if it actually wasn’t for a particular someone who helped motivate me. That someone doesn’t even really care as much as I wish they would have.. I wish I could motivate myself. I wish there was something I could do or a certain mind state I could have where I actually felt eager, or disciplined or just motivated.

I always feel like I am constantly just getting by. 

I just gotta go back to NY somehow. Unless something spectacular happens out in Ohio. But any love that I’ve ever had, it’s on the east coast.

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