i just checked myself on the scale – i’m 149 lbs

meaning i’ve gained at least 15 lbs within the last 6 months or so. i really think it’s because i don’t work at dominos as much. i am always on my feet there – always active. unlike fedex, where i’m sitting in a chair for hours at times.

for this reason and also because i worry myself and feeling like a unproductive piece of shit sucks, i’m gonna seriously cut out alcohol. i’m hoping i cut it out for a whole month – no drinking till i’m visiting in NY. i’m worried because i usually crave a binge session every week. i really need control of myself. i think i’ve been eating a lot too.. like eating my feelings and eating when im not even hungry. i eat just because food tastes good. i blame the lack of social life for that.

maybe i should replace this negative coping with exercising.. i really want to be in shape, and fit. i’m not someone who’s ever cared but i really want to just take care of myself lately. if i don’t lose the lbs, i want to at least turn it into muscle. a gym membership would be a good idea honestly.. not sure if i want to spend the money yet though.. tbh i really would prefer excercise by swimming endless laps lol. people were suggesting a YMCA, i’m thinking about it. i also would rather jog or walk a hiking trail than jog endlessly in place on a threadmill. but lifting weights would be fun. almost like package handling again except i don’t have to fuck with what i know i can’t handle haha

i actually didn’t fucking eat fast food today so thats a plus. i made myself steak, veggies and macaroni salad. ftw haha. fast food is just so much easier than cooking most days though…

yesterday was my birthday and i spent it completely alone, but i went on a hiking trail and then the beach waterpark 🙂 my dad got me a card about a week ago but he didn’t call yesterday. oh well.

i love loving myself. better than anyone ever fucking has, ever. and ever could.

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