I moved out at 19. I moved out and moved 600+ miles away. Not a lot of people have done that. Anyone I’ve met who isn’t living with family is surrounded by friends for support. I came out here alone and I’ve been alone A LOT.
No one really gets what that’s like or even how to deal with it. No one can understand me.
“No parents no rules” aka no unstable home life, nothing holding me back. Obviously that was the hardest for me to adjust to. Stability. Self esteem for myself.
I’ve always been scared for my future, I never planned for a future, I never believed in a future. I just fucking reacted to everything in the moment my whole life.
I , for the first time, am seeing so much fucking potential in myself. It’s incredible. I have ideas and dreams. The feeling it gives me is unexplainable and it cannot be taken from me.
This is actually something like when I first started smoking weed. My mind was SO opened. I stopped cutting for the most part, stopped wearing all black, stopped being so miserable. I also found an amazing family of friends for a support system but yeah
Is this seriously all the work of CBD oil, this mindset I have? What else would it be? I cannot explain at all how much fucking better I am. I really don’t think i did this myself. I don’t think I just woke up and decided to be okay or was just magically okay. I don’t think this is the work I’ve progressed to in time from healing myself. I don’t think I’ve had any crazy change outlook on life just on my own. I don’t feel the craving to drink or smoke or numb myself. I don’t even have friends or a social life and I’m actually fucking okay with that? I’m not fucking crumbling in self hate or self blame? What the ??
I mean last weekend I wanted someone to hang out with and it sucked that I didnt. But I was , FUCKING OKAY.
I still have two of my closest friends in New York. Amanda and Belinda. They do not like each other 😦 but they’re my greatest source of happiness.
Idk . I miss my other friends too. Two more weeks.