i miss her, wish i could just say hi. i wonder what she would think of everything. i wonder what she would think of me. i’m sure she would hate that i cut all my hair off. i’m sure she would’ve helped me already come back to ny, but i also don’t think she would’ve even let me go.

so much time has passed, and so much more always will. she is someone that will always feel there but she never will be. she never is but i still see her at times… there are signs, it feels so wrong to just call it coincidences.

when my dad hugged me, i felt such a warmth that i hadn’t felt in a long time. i really felt loved.
i cried when i left.

He is nothing like he used to be. Nothing. A lot has changed. A lot changed for the better, way better. I can’t believe how humble he’s become. He’s a totally different person.

It wasn’t easy growing up with him.

I was 4, kevin probably 5 or 6, and Jesse was 14 and there was this fight that happened where my dad broke my mom’s arm or wrist. i can’t remember what Jesse said when we were talking at the reunion.. I couldn’t remember any of that at all. My cousin Sarah was 7. She said her and aunt sue or aunt mary came over to come get us.

Jesse’s dad died when he was 2. My dad said it was a drug OD but Jesse didn’t talk much about it. But i can’t imagine what it must have been like with our mom and my dad together and them just drinking and doing whatever. He said that he would just leave a lot and no one would ever check up on him…

So he got into bad shit. Drugs and stealing and that’s what put him away so long. But he’s back and ready to start over. I would really love to see him do better, he deserves so much more than what he’s had to go through.

My dad told me he really believes mom was on crack up until she died. He had the nerve to say some dumb shit like that to me. I asked Sarah though and she doesn’t believe it but she did remember some coke being around at times. I don’t know when. I didn’t know at all…

But she’s gone now. Not much else to it.

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