drinking coffee at 8:30pm

i actually want to drink alcohol but decided that’s not a good idea.

i actually actualllyyy want to do some shopping but shopping is much preferred at night due to A LOT LESS people.

i just need dryer sheets and food to cook and also now bird food because i think there was just recently like 20 fucking sparrows no joke eating the bird food i left out ages ago LOL. sometimes squirrels, doves and cardinals come around too. i love little creatures. they entertain my cats too. or piss them off, idk lol

i loaned my brother jesse $150 about 2 weeks ago. he said he needed help and he told me all he would use the money for. he originally asked for $180 because he also wanted cigarettes. ha. ha. ha. clearly i wasn’t supporting that habit but he said he would pay me back the 21st and he hasn’t even contacted me. i told him i wasn’t lending anymore unless he paid the $150 back first. i think that’s fair.

if he never pays back, i don’t really care, it was only $150 but i wont help him anymore and he can’t say that i never did help him so yeah.
at least it wasn’t something like $1264 LOL i could smack myself in the head for that bullshit.

whatever, i’m smarter now.

i feel like i should make some detailed post that really analyzes my feelings lol @ that shit

i just miss my friends and family in new york….. i loved a lot of things while i was visiting.. so much has changed in so so many ways… i can understand all the self-righteous beaconites being upset with how much beacon has been thriving, because all these people from NYC are moving in which makes things hella more expensive than they already were. No fucking joke, there’s fucking $$$ONE MILLION $$$ priced lofts being built. IN BEACON, the town that people fucking called ghetto only like 10-15 years ago.

that waterfall never used to light up at night. the roundhouse was just some fallen apart abandoned building. i got high on the rooftop of the once-also-abandoned building next to it. Now there’s stores and windows in it.

i won’t forget the month my mom died, when there was finally a day when no one had time to hang out with me to keep me from being alone, i got one of the beacon bums to help me buy a couple 40s and i walked to the waterfall, went down the hill where cars couldn’t see and just sat there and drank and cried my eyes out for hours till someone finally texted me back.

i think leaving NY for all these years has been good for me, despite the shit i’ve put myself through.

i really want to pester my cousin about being roommates but he’s already said he doesn’t want to consider anything till next year. which is literally what everyone is telling me pretty much.

it’s such a bummer. i’m just gonna kill time till then….

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