I’m not apart of anything anymore

Is there really a home here still like I hope? I really don’t think I’ll have that much more of a social life.

I really need to stop overthinking

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I can’t fucking process this.

I heard the way she was talking and it made me nervous. I want to be able to keep the house in good condition as I get older. I do want this to be my home. 

I need to talk to my dad about what kevin said. He said he wanted to sell it eventually. I hope he gives me a chance here. It’s all paid off, but it’s been a battle home for longer than just grandma and dad. 

I know grandma doesn’t believe in me, but not everything has to stay the way she wants it. 

Leaving was so much easier 7 years ago.

Leaving is not going to be easy now.

I hate the way my dad talks sometimes. He literally told me that he believes my mom was always a crack user up until she died. I don’t like visiting her grave with him.

My dad said that the next time I come back to NY, shes gonna be gone. He said during winter time also that she has only one more winter left. He even said that sometimes he wishes she was dead already. He says that when she dies, I can come back. I told him I don’t want to wait for another funeral to come back but the way he talks just freaks me out.

Her being dead to be the reason I come back to NY will NOT be a good reason to move back to NY. That shit will make me fucking miserable.

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This backyard

Doesn’t make me want to ever look at my phone

There’s just so much going on already

People talk about really haunted places that could even have demons

This place has fucking angels

I feel it

I feel love in every area.

I love the stepping stones, and the way there’s regular rocks around them, you have to step on them to avoid the noise.

There’s the 84 highway close by but distant enough to make the most soothing sound

The way the solar lights come on slowly as the sun sets just as slowly. So captivating and relaxing

I just got a chill. 

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Beacon fireworks

aren’t really that great but Ill always love loud colorful explosions .

Beacon fireworks will forever make me miss my mom. She always went. She loved every holiday.

My grandma got upset with me today because I said “okay” to her. I almost don’t want to talk about it again but I might as well

Something brought up the topic about my half brother Jesse. Apparently he asked my other brother kevin for money. I messaged Kevin about it because I want to hear it from him but he hasn’t got back with me yet. I find it weird because Jesse hasn’t responded back to me at all since I’ve been in town and he actually has not asked me for money at all.

But anyway, grandma doesn’t think my brother Jesse is a good guy at all, I mean he has been in prison for well over a decade but everyone deserves a 2nd chance? It can’t be easy adjusting to real life. She even said how she doesn’t feel safe where she lives because apparently he knows where grandma lives. 

But I didn’t say how I felt at all, instead I just said “okay grandma” and apparently that was a huge attitude towards her so before she could speak further, I walked out.

My dad actually told me today… he told me not to repeat it or tell anyone and he only feels this way sometimes but he seriously said that sometimes he wishes grandma was dead already. It’s really awful but only people in the family who know grandma would understand.

It’s just impossible with her. Everything is impossible with her.

Idk

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I was so upset. My self esteem has been plummeting downwards all afternoon. I laid in my car for hours with nowhere to go. Sammy messaged me a lil after 6 and it just put a huge smile on my face 
I immediate started my car and went to the Brittain house. Sammy made a huge home cooked dinner for everybody.

Everybody was her, sarah, Andrea, beth, dan, me and the kiddies Charlie, Tyler and Jo. 

I love them all so fucking much. And right before I left we hunted for fireflies …

I missed them beyond belief. This is the only love I need.

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She can’t stop being overdramatic over a post that’s deleted on Facebook…

She even got mad at me earlier because my dad wanted to fucking go hiking with me

It’s really awkward when her own daughter considers this house a tomb stone, despite how amazing this house really is. 

But it’s because of her. There’s never a moment of peace of mind around her. Any state of happiness and sense of well being is completely deteriorated for her. 

So my aunt considers this place a tomb stone.

And the #1 other person who could provide a place of “home” to me actually is under a tomb stone and it fucking breaks my heart.

I hate when it gets shoved in my face like this how drastic my life had to change because of her death. 

If my dad didn’t live here too, there’s no doubt I wouldn’t be here right now, or ever again. My dad is the only thing holding us together just like my mom was the only thing holding me towards her family.

And with the way my grandma talks about me, and the way my dad just fucking lets her really makes me miss her so fucking much.

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My grandmas house

My grandma has created the most beautiful backyard I’ve ever seen. It screams life and radiates so much peace. I would live in the backyard. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jesus himself was walking around out here

I can actually imagine my grandma haunting this backyard.

What she has done to her yard is phenomenal. Absolutely gorgeous.

My biggest worry is living up to that. I want to be someone who can create something like this. Or keep this alive.
I’m so happy I saw Belinda Sarah Andrea Sammy and Elliot, Charlie, and Jo today.

I should be hanging out with Belinda all weekend, I hope and Sarah Sammy and all them on Wednesday. 

I really want to have party in this yard

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