It would be nice to die just so I could haunt you and see your reaction when you actually feel a sense of guilt for the first time in your life. You would never process it. It wouldn’t even phase you. You’ve already blacked out and buried in your shitty fucked up head any of the shit you seriously said to me.

I would fucking crawl into your fucking ear and dig that shit and slam it on you for the rest of your existence. 

And everything else you’ve ever fucking done that you always fucking blamed on everyone else.       

But instead I’ll sit here and just tell myself that you’re not worth it. For who knows how long until I’m finally past it.

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I really need to be sober.

getting high and drunk alone is really just pointless.

I’m just not sure how to think about something else. I just don’t care about a lot.

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I had a really good, weird weekend

I found out on tuesday or something that OWTH was playing 2 hours away in Lexington, KY on saturday. fortunately i got my shift at dominos covered. its so nice that i actually have other co-workers i can rely on now. for the longest time , i seriously felt so trapped there. it wasn’t good.

but anyway. i got hella drunk and winded up sleeping in my car and didnt get home till 1pm the next day.

OWTH is hella fun live. its weird because their lyrics can be pretty sad but the crowd always makes it fun. that band definitely has an overall positive message.

i made friends with this one guy and he offered to let me crash at his place and we’d smoke and shit but honestly i’m kinda glad i couldn’t find his house. i mean he seems super chill, and i’m all about spontaneous friendships but maybe it could’ve been bad? who knows. maybe next time.

he had nail polish on, i thought that was interesting hahaha

im drinking some wine before bed. i got that cavity pulled out today. it was 100% painless. i mean the needle in my mouth stung a bit but i’m pretty good with needles. i used to bawl my eyes out as a kid haha.

it was really funny/weird not being able to feel my mouth

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I hate that every future local concert I go to , I have to be careful that I don’t run into her.

I know she wants to fight me. 

If that ever somehow happens, I hope it’s very public.

She has made going to concerts unsafe for me. Knowing that is kinda fucking scary considering how much I thrive on them. It’s like she thrives off drama and belittling/degrading someone or something 

I really want her to forget the bane of my existence. I regret ever knowing her. She was never a positive person but I met her at a very insecure time of my life and I was desperate. 

That literally sums up everything else I’ve put myself through, pretty much my entire life.

I only hate myself a little bit. But I know now that hating myself like I’ve always done for everything is not going to make my life better. I’m going to treat myself the way I always treated everyone else. 

Thank god for this girl 

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drinking coffee at 8:30pm

i actually want to drink alcohol but decided that’s not a good idea.

i actually actualllyyy want to do some shopping but shopping is much preferred at night due to A LOT LESS people.

i just need dryer sheets and food to cook and also now bird food because i think there was just recently like 20 fucking sparrows no joke eating the bird food i left out ages ago LOL. sometimes squirrels, doves and cardinals come around too. i love little creatures. they entertain my cats too. or piss them off, idk lol

i loaned my brother jesse $150 about 2 weeks ago. he said he needed help and he told me all he would use the money for. he originally asked for $180 because he also wanted cigarettes. ha. ha. ha. clearly i wasn’t supporting that habit but he said he would pay me back the 21st and he hasn’t even contacted me. i told him i wasn’t lending anymore unless he paid the $150 back first. i think that’s fair.

if he never pays back, i don’t really care, it was only $150 but i wont help him anymore and he can’t say that i never did help him so yeah.
at least it wasn’t something like $1264 LOL i could smack myself in the head for that bullshit.

whatever, i’m smarter now.

i feel like i should make some detailed post that really analyzes my feelings lol @ that shit

i just miss my friends and family in new york….. i loved a lot of things while i was visiting.. so much has changed in so so many ways… i can understand all the self-righteous beaconites being upset with how much beacon has been thriving, because all these people from NYC are moving in which makes things hella more expensive than they already were. No fucking joke, there’s fucking $$$ONE MILLION $$$ priced lofts being built. IN BEACON, the town that people fucking called ghetto only like 10-15 years ago.

that waterfall never used to light up at night. the roundhouse was just some fallen apart abandoned building. i got high on the rooftop of the once-also-abandoned building next to it. Now there’s stores and windows in it.

i won’t forget the month my mom died, when there was finally a day when no one had time to hang out with me to keep me from being alone, i got one of the beacon bums to help me buy a couple 40s and i walked to the waterfall, went down the hill where cars couldn’t see and just sat there and drank and cried my eyes out for hours till someone finally texted me back.

i think leaving NY for all these years has been good for me, despite the shit i’ve put myself through.

i really want to pester my cousin about being roommates but he’s already said he doesn’t want to consider anything till next year. which is literally what everyone is telling me pretty much.

it’s such a bummer. i’m just gonna kill time till then….

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I would drop everything for you. At any hour of the day or night. 

How do I reverse a feeling like that 

I have really sweet cats

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i support the notion that gender doesn’t exist anymore (or at the very least, gender roles) but why doesn’t everybody also try to eliminate all these definitions and words that are coming out of someone’s ass to define every fucking orientation and gender identity? it’s all so fucking oxymoronic honestly.

i came across the word “cishet” yesterday on tumblr and the post was just literally someone defining it, what it means and what it didn’t mean, and it had over 7000 notes seriously. (• a cisgender heteroromantic heterosexual is what it means, tell me, do we really need a fucking word for that?)

i think  part of the reason this whole label explosion has been annoying me, is because that’s ONE of the reason (if not the entire reason) my last relationship ended.

My last ex Caitlyn seriously told people that i wasn’t supportive enough of her. (despite co-signing with her to help her get a car which winded up fucking my credit up) and she constantly mentioned in the last few weeks of our relationship how she didn’t know who she was. It was FUCKING RIDICULOUS. SHE NEEDED A LABEL TO FEEL COMFORTABLE. She couldn’t just fucking be herself and think it was okay. talk about fucking first world problems. whtatever, i’m pretty glad its over because shit sunk in the deep ass ocean REAL fucking fast for us, and it’s all shit she put us through.

Things would’ve been a lot better for me in that relationship if i knew how to say NO and if i knew the importance of loving/giving a shit about myself, i never even would’ve dated her to start with.

but yeah, LABELS ARE FUCKING STUPID AND I WISH EVERYONE WOULD STOP.

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