FedEx has been crazy the past couple days

The stress I deal with there is so much more than dominos ever has been.

There’s always so much to learn. I always remind myself that I know more than I did yesterday or I know more than I did last week. It’s always true

I was also just thinking… randomly how shitty of a friend tia was to me. She really did want to do nothing but trash me. It was awful. Like when I made that painting and I wanted to give to her. She didn’t care, and she just assumed I wanted to get rid of it. Like sure, I didn’t care NOT to have it, hence why I wanted to give it away but it seemed like something that would make a nice gift. Anytime I ever drew anything, shit did I ever keep them? Usually I always drew shit with the intention of giving it as a gift. That was just something that came natural to me.

Anyway, I winded up sending it to amanda. and you know what? She fucking loved it. Made a huge post on Facebook and everything.

I don’t know why or how her and I started out so okay/GOOD even and it ended so horrible. I don’t know how someone with her mindset could be so cruel to me. After all I did for her. She would boast all the time about her mental illness, she identified by it. All I ever wanted to do was help.

What kind of person with a mental illness even boasts about their fucking mental illness? When I say boast, i mean she pretty much flat out introduced herself by it. It was WHO she is and how she lived by. What the actual fuck? And she used it as an excuse for JESUS CHRIST probably almost all her problems. I’m all about talking about your problems but sometimes I can’t even tell if anything is wrong with me. Because she and so many other people have made me feel like something has to be.  But what the fuck is it? 

That I try to fucking help? That I get upset when people don’t follow back through like they originally fucking told me they would? Am I fucking wrong because I’m tramautized by not ever fucking being good enough for anyone in my life to trust, to believe in, to want to just fucking be there in their life?

Why have I been letting such shitty people who don’t give a fuck about my life into my life? .

Now I am more alone than I ever have been in my life. And sometimes I think I’m fixing it and other times I feel absolutely fucking lost.  Like I’m missing out. And like my life’s just over.

But I keep waiting.

I need to set out more positive goals in my life. Sometimes I even feel like I would never have applied at FedEx if it actually wasn’t for a particular someone who helped motivate me. That someone doesn’t even really care as much as I wish they would have.. I wish I could motivate myself. I wish there was something I could do or a certain mind state I could have where I actually felt eager, or disciplined or just motivated.

I always feel like I am constantly just getting by. 

I just gotta go back to NY somehow. Unless something spectacular happens out in Ohio. But any love that I’ve ever had, it’s on the east coast.

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today was a piece of shit compared to the amazing weekend I had..

i should’ve known it was going to be bad when i dropped my socks in the toilet.
total first world problem but yeah.

work wasnt so bad till the hour i tried to leave. totally got dogged out by a shipper of packages over something that was entirely out of my control and something i was JUST informed on.

the weekend was fucking incredible.

I went to columbus and saw Masked Intruder at the park street saloon, then went to the basement after their set and got there in time to catch flint eastwood. It was awesome

Next day i saw Bayside. i got VIP. and within 5 minutes of getting to the venue, i made 2 friends. we all went to the show alone. we all went to see Bayside. when we got inside, we made another friend with a girl who went alone and to see Bayside. the 4 of us literally hung out the rest of the night. The first girl i met, Jamie, 36, is awesome! She lives in south africa, travels everywhere, and she’s a counselor and has an awesome wordpress blog. and i fucking relate with it, except instead of seeking validation in men, i used to seek validation in girls and all friends i made. it was helpful to read it, it really was. Then we met Tiffany, 27, who was awesome as fuck too. Then we found Amanda, 25, when we were up by the barricade.

There was this douchebag girl that got in the middle of the 4 of us just trying to be a bitch. She and her dude winded up backing off finally but then while Bayside was playing, that dude seriously RANDOMLY AS FUCK started decking this guy in the head he didn’t even know! that guy had no idea why he did that. Amanda fucking grabbed the sorry fuck by his greasy hair and security kicked him out. Fuck that shit! i was so happy and proud Amanda did that.

I was so ecstatic to meet these chill ass girls who all came off like they were smart as fuck and for once, i made friends with people my fucking age and older.

Then during Say Anything, we wandered around checking out merch and getting alcohol and went outside cuz they smoked cigarettes.

I found the dude that opened up for Anthony Raneri and chilled with him for a bit. He said he’s trying to tour with Bayside lol. he was drunk as fuck and gave me free cds at that show, i listened to it once and honestly it wasnt bad. i should listen to it again. i forget what he went by too lol. but he was cool and it was cool to see him too.

THEN THERE WAS PUNK ROCK CINDERELLA. oh my god. there were these 2 girls with flower crowns and the one girl HAD NO SHOES. Her name is Christina. so we were like “where are your shoes??” and she said she lost them in the pit and this other random guy, Matt, LITERALLY said he would give her his shoes, he had nice chucks on and he took them off and gave them to her!!! oh my fucking god, i couldnt have witnessed anything cuter ever.

Saturday was fucking amazing. I honestly couldnt have dreamed of a better night.

Me, Jamie, Tiffany and Amanda all hung out for the emo night too. They played a shit ton of awesome songs. I was so happy to hear Fat Lip by Sum 41 and fucking Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus.  Jamie and I had a deep talk, she told me about how she’s a counselor and about her blog, she told me about “Excuses” from Alanis Morrisette because i told her how i constantly run into dependent people who are always so held back in life by something and i told her about my shitty self esteem i’ve had all my life and she told me i’m very self-aware (my brother has said that to me before too) and i told her about Flint Eastwood and man it was an awesome time. Eventually Amanda and Tiffany left and i gave Jamie a ride to the bus station so she could get to Columbus…

I made 5 new friends on facebook that night haha. i really would love to see any of them again but it’s probably not likely…

and it makes me realize even more how i wish i could find INDEPENDENT friends like that, that could possibly be consistent…

who ever knows what life will have in store for me i guess…

bre’s a fucking fuckgirl. like a fuckboy but she’s a fuckgirl. it sucks.

I plan on seeing Smile Empty Soul on Saturday and Sorority Noise on Sunday (mother’s day) i wonder what adventures will await me there… i can’t imagine it being as much fun as Bayside. like fuck, i didnt even fathom at all that the Bayside show could be that fucking badass..

i just wish the rest of my life could be like that somehow.

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i really dont want to do anything. i have clothes to put away, organizing to do,

nah. just nahhhh.

i only worked at dominos one day this week, last night. it was nice. i’m so glad to have been able to take a break.

friday night it stormed and i got drunk as shit and smoked a blunt on my porch and watched the storm. so calming.

for some reason last night while i was at dominos, in like the last hour I GOT HELLA SICK. i sneezed a gazillion times in 2 seconds and started to feel super horrible. no idea why. i came home, sprayed allergy shit up my nose, took an allergy pill and also nyquil and died for about 8 hours haha

i took some dayquil this morning too and i’m drinking green tea with a bunch of mixtures of other tea.

i’m alright now. my immune system is pretty badass.

i did get my new cbd oil stuff yesterday. i got spray and oil. i tried the spray yesterday, and it was kinda nasty haha. but it has more mg than the pills i have do. i should probably put it in my tea.

i actually got worried that maybe it caused me to get all sick last night. but i didn’t start sneezing like i did till HOURS later. i don’t know where that wouldve came from either considering i take the pills?

i plan on taking it again so i’ll just have to see. if it happens twice, then i’ll know lol. i mean because it could’ve just been something at dominos, i touch a lot of money which comes from so many different places so that’s not always safe.

i really want to get high but i dont want to feel like a piece of shit.  getting high can really make me feel like a lazy ass, i just feel super slow.

i love being able to be lazy with my cats. they’re the best.

i have a really good life.   i’m so thankful for cbd oil. it’s really helped my mindset..

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I love that I’ve learned how to say no. This is fucking good.

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My very first boss, Helanna, who hired me countless times with Green Teen has fucking cancer. breast cancer. it’s bullshit!!

she was diagnosed in january. i’ve just bought her some cbd stuff just like i did with belinda.

i can only hope the results for helanna will be the same like they have been for belinda.

helannas been such a huge influence, and she still has 2 kids, extremely young and they shouldnt lose their mom yet. FUCK that.

i still miss my mom all the time…. so much….

fedex has been getting pretty crazy lately, just taking in a lot of new information, learning all the time.

i’m going to be working solo on saturday mornings starting june and i’m worried. i used to go to prides every saturdays and i already stated i wanted every saturday in june off but i’m re-thinking it considering i dont have friends and i dont want to run into ex-friends. i’m not young anymore. this job is important to me anyway

i might just go to indianapolis and/or cincinnati. i really would much rather just go to NYC.

but dispatching is so difficult to learn, scheduling drivers and shit, its fucking weird.

i’ve got a hand full of reasons to visit NY this summer… it’s quite dire.

i talked to jesse again today!!! he’s got a job as a waiter so thats awesome!! i guess he gets kicked out every morning at 8am at his shelter and he can’t go back till a certain time either. i hope he gets some money saved up and figures something out, heck maybe me and him could even roommate together. but i guess that would be like moving in with a stranger. idk.

i mean he’s spent something like 20 years total in prison… not all at the same time but for re-offending… i really hope he can maintain life outside now…. i kinda wonder if mom made it hard on him, i dont know if she ever believed in him so much 😦 idk but i remember her talking in her sleep one time about me “turning out like jesse” like he was disgraceful. i know she was very disappointed in him, but i also don’t know if he was brought up the best either to be fair.. i hope me and him can have a really in depth talk one day. it would be nice to understand things more.

ugh crazy shit. crazy life.

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I had a lot of fun the other night, for the flint eastwood show in Indianapolis. I got myself a badass room to spend the night that had a jacuzzi hot tub, and I hung out with 4 other people.

The jacuzzi hot tub was the whole reason I wanted a hotel room. And I got what I wanted and I made it happen. I love myself. I got so wasted, caught a uber to the venue with bre and teeny and met up with Lisa and Seth.

Everything was so great, it really was.

We all went back to the room and crashed, after we wandered around some more first that is haha.

I was just so drunk and so happy.

I’m seeing Flint Eastwood again on the 5th. I’m actually show hopping, I’ll also be seeing masked intruder at a different venue. Both in Columbus lol. That should be interesting.

I won’t have any friends with me this time :/

I was so happy to be hanging out with bre again. We both agree that we both feel such a connection for each other. 

We’ll never date though. That’s just how it goes. I almost tried to persist sex with her lol, or I did really, but she stopped me because she wants me to be sober. 

She’s the last person I’ve had sex with. I’m not hers 😦

I need to get up and clean :/

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I really don’t care to go to shows alone but I don’t want to go to riot fest alone.

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