I teared up today but I haven’t talked to anyone about it.

Just scrolling through Facebook and I saw their faces. Sammy, Beth, Andrea, Sarah, Dan, Ryan and some of Henry’s family.

They and hella other people were doing the out of the darkness walk. They had shirts for Henry. It was honestly so cool because they had crowns on it the back because his last name is king and it’s just wow.

And sarah had a video of them and a huge crowd releasing doves. It was incredible.

I will always love all of them. They have been the most incredibly powerful group of friends I’ve ever met. I couldn’t ever possibly explain how much they all mean to me

Ok I forgot to write how high I am and holy shit I swear I only took one hit. I don’t remember the last time I smoked but I actually unwrapped a roach from probably like July and it was dry and crumbly as shit and I took one hit and literally swallowed the smoke because I choked and I about died and it was hilarious but so painful and I got a cup of water from my fridge that I haven’t even taken a sip out of yet because I’ve been mad high from the getgo and now I’m rambling and I almost said ranblaming

I need to finish rolling blunts for tomorrow 

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I feel guilty

for how wasted I got on Sunday

I spent ALL day Monday recovering, even going back to work on Tuesday, I still felt so slow.

Monday I must’ve only been awake for 6 or 7 hours total. I slept it all away.

But it’s just how I got. I don’t remember saying bye to my friend. I don’t even remember flint eastwoods performance or meeting her and taking the picture we did. The only thing I do remember is going back to her and asking her if I gave her the note and she said yeah but I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember walking the 3-4 blocks back to my car. I don’t remember how long I spent trying to sleep in it or sleeping at all. I barely remember driving home, and also going to mcdonalds. I took an extra $60 out of the ATM , for what reason, I don’t know. I must’ve spent like $100 on that vodka drink that girl kept making me.

How the fuck did I make it back home? In one piece? Without a dui? Without killing someone or myself? I should probably keep extra blankets and pillows in my trunk in case I do shit like this.. I was smart when I saw off with their heads in Lexington, I brought a pillow in the car and passed out till 2pm next day.. I’m usually smart by getting hotel rooms and catching Uber’s but I was not smart Sunday night…

Earlier that day I was really upset. Really upset. For some reason it just started off bad for what seems like no apparent reason. I had coffee for the first time in a while and then Wendy’s for lunch and I tried to blame that combination. But I just started getting lost in dark thoughts.

My moms birthday was the 23rd (Saturday) I spent that entire day working both jobs. I was distracted the entire day. Sunday the 24th, I couldn’t be distracted by work. Sunday I couldn’t help but remember the day that passed yesterday by as nothing happened. Nothing I could’ve done, nothing that meant anything to anyone. Her birthday is always such a hard day every year.

But yeah, I was upset and staring into space and getting images and sounds in my head of the pain she went through, and it really fucked with me.

I went to the show alone, lisa showed up like an hour after doors opened and I drank the entire time.

Idk. I need to do better and be better to myself. It can be difficult when I’m hurting like that , I just want to eliminate those feelings and thoughts and I literally don’t know how to get it out and get it out quickly.

At least I’m not getting wasted like that alone anymore. That shit got weird and ugly. 

I’ll be okay. I can take care of myself. 

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This made me think of my dad. And how he would treat me when my grades were bad. Or when i wasn’t doing something right

And how maybe I just want someone to blame for the way I am or the shitty decisions I’ve made. And maybe that’s selfish and irresponsible of me.

But it’s just something I don’t forget.

that time when I was working on this report for school, and him and Kevin were in the living room and I did not want to do it at all. I had no idea what to even do about it and it did not interest me at all. I was procrastinating for a long time and basically fucking around. 

My dad was being the good parent and trying to force me to do the project or homework whatever it was, but I just was NOT doing it. It finally got to a point where he got so angry and was screaming at me and beat the piss out of me and was even using a hanger to hit me with.

I can’t imagine how the fuck or what the fuck ever I could’ve done to make him act like that but he did. That was his way of punishing .

Sometimes I wonder with how he was if it’s ever the reason I am the way I am. Like my self esteem or the fact I am absolutely opposed to starting college (which I’m glad I haven’t wasted money) 

But I just feel like it’s selfish to blame him. It’s weird how different he is. But he’s still the same person at the same time. Idk . He’s definitely getting old and that’s scary.

I wish I could be chill 

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I was gonna go get shitfaced tonight

Or go see fireworks

Or get shitfaced and see fireworks or vice versa.

But I’m by myself no matter what so I’ve winded up staying home. Sent out donations to 4 organizations. Been smoking mad weed. Kinda want to keep going but I keep getting lost in thoughts and it distracts me. I have Saving Sirga on, about this lion who’s bffs with a human. Really cute .

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Don’t grow up, it’s just bills

Endless, endless bills

That’s what she tried to teach me

I wish she was still here

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that’s just what happens.

I say it in silence to myself 
It’s really sad when I find amusement watching flies fly around my apartment. 

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As important as I know it is to stay informed with news, 

It just makes me really sad… 

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