i don’t think i wrote about this but about a month ago or so i realized how horrible melatonin really is and i stopped taking it. i actually feel a lot better and i can genuinely enjoy drinking coffee again.

my body has had so much melatonin in it that it was overworking trying to get rid of it. i never had to realize it because i was energized all the time.

there was this one time i woke up and i dreamed i had ran a race or something and i literally woke up gasping for air. i could breathe fine but i just felt exhausted when all i was doing was sleeping. i googled it up because i didn’t feel normal, or okay. and i realized it was the melatonin.

not to mention, melatonin also fucks up your hormones and i’m convinced it’s been fucking me up with that too

but yeah.

i fucking love my apartment being all to myself and how clean my living room is again and how everything is where i put it last and how peaceful everything is, this is truly the best.

i start fedex on the 12th.

i should probably go into work early because i don’t trust bitches to not fuck shit up ugh

tia still makes me want to quit dominos. she takes every stupid ass thing way too personal and i can’t stand her or handle it. and then she acts like if she doesn’t know the answer to something, it’s because she wasn’t taught when clearly this bitch just doesn’t remember things all the time and doesn’t pay attention or stay alert. idgaf

shit with me and bre is so complicated too, but it’s also possible the only thing complicated is me overthinking everything.  i’m never going to know how shit’s going to roll out. she’s still such an incredible person in my point of view but with her point of view, we’re never going to be officially a thing. ever. at least not titled.
i worry that she’ll fuck around with someone else, but it’s true that even if we were to officially be together, she could STILL easily find someone else and just cause a break up to happen. girlfriends or not,  the label really is fuckin pointless.

she still wants me a lot, she says sex with me is the best she’s had (it really is fucking awesome) and that she’s not even talking with anyone else. she lets me know, you know? she keeps me informed. she’s literally said that even though she’s not in love with me yet, she feels it could be headed in that direction. there’s a part of me that almost feels confident in this because i just feel so strongly about her and i don’t see how she could find someone better. we’re similar. i would like to think even if she did find someone else to fuck with, that i’d be better. she’d be disappointed and just think of me.

i just want to be able to fall asleep at night knowing i’m the only person someone wants to be fuckin with, if i’m fucking with someone. she flirts but she hasn’t had sex with anyone other than me and it doesn’t seem like she will anytime soon. at least not yet. it’s so hard to figure out what it is that she actually wants, like what if she’s just scared or something. or maybe she really is just some free-for-all loving hippy. her strong love for acid really isn’t that attractive…

she hasn’t actually done anything wrong, but she’s already hurt me a few times. maybe i’m just fucking myself over by investing in this. even though i’ve been in a lot of relationships, i definitely feel with each ending of one, my standards get higher and higher. i’m not desperate anymore, and the hurt from break ups just gives me high blood pressure and i’m too old for it anymore. it’s just never easy and it’s a lot of drama and i hate it.

when we started talking, she was so persistent and i let her win because she’s an awesome person. someone like her for me is rare as fuck. the fact that she’s helped me through the whole bullshit with tia, hasn’t made it easier. and she’s raised up my self-esteem a lot. i gotta take care of myself though. either that or just let life bring me another lesson.

 

i’m always always always thinking about my mom and dad. mom died unmarried, my dad probably will too. my grandma is 87, probably has less than 10 years, and she was married but then her husband left her. majority of my aunts and uncles are either unmarried, or have been married for quite a few years and went through divorces.

what even is love?

what should i even expect.